If I Didn't Know Any Better…

I’m struggling.

Chalk it up to age, (I do), but lately I have days when I just want to go back to bed and stay under the covers. All day. This is one of those days. And this is your warning. Read on at your own risk.

My book will have been out a year this Thursday. In some ways, that’s just so incredible. Thinking back on all the preceding years where I was hitting one brick wall after another, getting so very, very close, and then, slam, another door shut, another brick wall to scale. The road traveled to get here has not been easy. Given all those struggles, I suppose it’s fair to say I had vast misconceptions about what life would look like as a published author.

I figured once I had a book out there, things would pretty much be smooth sailing from that point on. Of course, every author wants their book to do well. I did. I still do. Has it? I don’t know. Perhaps not on the scale I’d hoped. And definitely not on the monetary scale. Being published is actually not all that much fun. It can be, and it should be, but I think I sucked the life out of the party early on. Truthfully, I’ve spent the vast majority of this year wishing for more. Wishing for more readers. Wishing for better sales. Wishing for…you name it, I’ve probably wished for it.

And I forgot the joy. Forgot the wonder of receiving that first contract, seeing that first book cover, holding my very first book in my hands.

So I want to remember all the good stuff. Attending the ACFW conference and seeing my book in the bookstore was definitely an experience I won’t soon forget. Winning the INSPY was totally outrageous and I still think they need to do a recount…I’ve made some wonderful connections with readers who’ve become friends. I’m so blessed to be on this journey. To have an agent and a publisher and friends and family who really believe in what I do. Yet I still fret and worry and continue to check the Amazon rankings and wonder where it all went wrong.

As if I didn’t know any better.

Do you ever just want to slap yourself silly?

If I believe what I say I do, then I know the God of the universe has a plan for me, and yeah, that plan includes my writing. That plan includes whether or not I ever have another book published, or whether I have a hundred books published. He knows what I need, when I need it. Why I need it. Why I don’t. And yet, here I sit, stomach tied in knots, frittering away the hours while I wait for the next door to open.

Some of you are thinking I’m pretty nuts right about now. You’d be right. But you’re lucky. You know what it is to fully trust God. To have joy all the time. To rejoice in all things, no matter what. I’m still learning. I’m still putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I’m not about to step in  some quicksand. I’m still learning to take the good with the bad and ignore the ugly. I’m learning to have a little faith in myself. And I’m trying to trust, truly trust, that God is in this.

I have good days and bad days. Today, as I write this, is not a good day. Today I just want to pack it all in and wonder why I ever thought I could do it in the first place.

As if I didn’t know any better.

While I don’t enjoy these days, I accept them for who I am. I try to learn from them, grow through them. Tomorrow may not seem so dark. One thing I do know, despite my changing moods, God won’t change. And He’s got this. All I need to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

How do you cope on days when you just want to jump out a window?