Stories that Matter
Should We Adopt?
October 3, 2012 /
Life is interesting.
When I set out to write Hidden in the Heart, I’ll be honest, it was mostly for myself. I needed to write that story, and once the characters took life and started on their own journeys, I was pretty excited.
And here I am, three weeks out from the book’s release, and I’m a little scared. Still excited, because I see where this is leading, but it’s scary.
I’ve already had a couple of letters from readers who want to know about adoption. The thing is, I’m not an expert. I’m happy to share my own experiences, but that’s exactly what they are. My own. And you’ll find the same in Hidden in the Heart – what Claire goes through is pretty similar to what I went through. But no two lives are the same. I want to be clear on that. My experience may not even come close to somebody else’s. Many adoptees never have the desire to search. But I did.
So while I encourage questions and dialogue and promise to answer as honestly as I can, please keep in mind that I am just one person, and I cannot and do not speak for all.
That said, here’s a recent question from a reader considering adoption –
… Having been adopted yourself, is there any advice as a parent that you can give me before I start this journey?
This reader also indicated that, based on my story, she had concerns that growing up adopted might be hard on the child.
Yes, for me, it was hard. But I would never discourage anyone from adopting and I would never say adoption is a bad thing. It’s not. It can be a beautiful thing. As long as the parents approach it from the right direction, with the right heart.
What I’m about to say is probably going to ruffle some feathers. But I’m being honest, so I pray you’ll allow me to say this as kindly as I can without jumping down my throat.
My biggest concern with adoption in our present culture is that it’s become the ‘in thing’.
Celebrities are doing it. Politicians are doing it. Christians from every denomination are doing it. We’ve gone from nobody talking about it to everybody talking about. I’m not sure which is the lesser of the two evils.
There are many types of adoption today. International adoption. Open Adoption. Even Adult Adoptions, and I’m not even going to address that one…but let’s talk about a few things you might encounter as adoptive parents.
Probably the first thing you’re going to need to address as your child gets older is physical appearance. Are you planning to adopt at home or abroad? Okay, I’ll be blunt, will your kid look like you or not?
Oh, that’s not important.
No, it’s not. Maybe not to you. But if your child is the only black or Asian child for miles around, it’s bound to come up.
I was raised in your typical WASP family, but I knew I didn’t look like my parents. At first glance of course you couldn’t tell. But if you ever stopped to examine our physical features, eye color…you’d know. If you think kids don’t notice these things, think again.
Obviously if you’re adopting a child of a different race, they’re going to figure out pretty quickly that they didn’t come from you. You’ll need to know well in advance how you plan to handle this. You’re also probably not going to have a lot of information to give your child when the time comes and they want to know where they came from. That’s going to be hard.
Regardless of how loving a home you provide, growing up adopted makes a child different. They know it. They feel it. And somehow they learn to live with it. No matter the circumstances of the relinquishment, there may always be an underlying sense of abandonment. Rejection. Being the child nobody wanted.
As parents, you can explain it as best you can, put a pretty bow on it and tell them how much you love them, how blessed you all were that God brought you together, and while all that may be true, you cannot change the fact that for whatever reason, your child’s biological parents were unwilling or unable to keep them.
If I could explain this in scientific, psychological terms that actually make sense, I would. But I can’t. I can only say that for me, that’s how I felt. I knew my parents loved me. I had the best childhood, I was loved, loved, loved…but the whispers in the night still came. I still dealt with irrational fears that my parents would leave and not come back. I had low-self esteem. Trust issues. Angry outbursts that came out of left field. Okay, so maybe none of this has anything to do with being adopted. Maybe I’m just nuts. Fair enough. 🙂 But once I decided to address these issues, I started reading books on adoption. I talked to other adoptees. And guess what? I wasn’t so nuts after all.
When an adopted child wants to know ‘where they really came from,’ please know that it is in no way a reflection on the way you’ve raised or are raising your child. If they trust you enough to ask, be as honest as you can, and know you’re still Mom and Dad. That won’t change.
Educate yourself. If you are considering or planning on adopting, do your homework. Don’t just read books on parenting. Talk to grown up adoptees. Ask questions. Seek out other adoptive parents and ask them the tough questions. Most of all, be willing and prepared to talk to your child at any time about their adoption. Let the conversation flow naturally. Things are very different today than they were when I grew up. You have the resources, the information and the ability to choose when and how to use it.
I was able to process my feelings, to put the pieces of my childhood puzzle together in a way that made sense, and at the end of it all, while I had answers, ultimately my peace came in knowing who I am in Christ. If you plan to raise your child in a Christian home, that should be your ultimate prayer for them. (Adopted or not).
I have the utmost respect for anyone who accepts the call of becoming an adoptive parent. As I’ve said, maybe your journey will be different. Maybe your child won’t ever experience any of the things I’ve talked about. Maybe you’ll contact me in twenty years and tell me I was wrong. But it never hurts to be prepared. Raising children in these present times is challenging enough as is.
With all that said, and I know I’ve said a lot, at the end of the day, I feel blessed to have been adopted. I recently watched the movie October Baby. One of the last lines in that movie stuck. As Hannah heads off to college, she runs back to her father and hugs him, and says, “Thank you. Thank you for wanting me.”
That’s what it’s all about.
What do you think? Agree, disagree? Let’s talk.
“It never hurts to be prepared.” I love that, it is so true for much more than just adopting. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Nita!
One of the biggest realizations I’ve had now that I’m an adoptive mom is no matter WHAT the circumstances, adoption ALWAYS begins with a broken relationship. You can’t get around that, and as an adoptive parent, you have to be willing to acknowledge and honor that.
You’re right, Jennifer. And as crazy as it is, adoptees need to know why that relationship was severed. As much as I loved my mom, once I accepted there were things I needed to know in order to move on with my life, my biggest question was why. Why did my birth mother give me up? I think knowing where we came from is an intrinsic part of knowing who we are and where we’re going. Just my opinion though. 🙂
Cathy – I’m an adoptive mom and a counselor who sees clients who have been adopted, in the process of adopting, or have let their child be raised by adoptive parents. You have written an excellent post which mirrors my thoughts/feelings/observations personally and professionally. Thank you!
Thanks, Valerie!! I’ve been blessed over the years by seeing your journey unfold and I’ve always admired how you handle every situation with grace and wisdom. 🙂 I think you’ll enjoy Hidden in the Heart if you decided to read it.
Thank you, Cathy – your words mean so much to me. There have been plenty of times, though, where I have failed as a parent. But I know God blessed me with my two girls for a reason – and I love them dearly. I am looking forward to reading your book. It’s in my cart at Amazon – waiting to be bought once I find other items to purchase so I can qualify for the free shipping – LOL!!! 🙂 I’ll let you know what I think when I do read it!
Cathy, beautifully written thoughts. We are the adoptive parents of two kiddos, whom we love with all our hearts. You’ve put words to some of my thoughts, answered some questions I had no one to ask when we went through the process. Thank you for your transparency. I’d love any suggestions you have or books/articles you can lead me to that might be hellpful for us in navigating the pre-adolescent/adolescent years with our kiddos.
I love how you closed out your blog–the quote from October Baby. That is my prayer for our kids.
Thanks again.
Oh my goodness, Jeanne, I’m so glad to hear this! I’m never quite sure if I’m being ‘too honest’ – lol!! If you get HIdden in the Heart, I have listed a few books at the back that helped me on my search and reunion journey. They’re more geared toward adoptees –
Gathering The Missing Pieces In An Adopted Life – Kay Moore – (Hannibal Books, January
2009).
Lost & Found – The Adoption Experience – Betty Jean Lifton – (Harper Perennial, March
22, 1988).
Journey of the Adopted Self – The Quest for Wholeness – Betty Jean Lifton – (Basic Books, May 6, 1995)
http://www.adoption.com is a very comprehensive website that has resources for all members of the triad and you may find more info there about books etc… I think the key though is honesty. When your kids want to talk, talk. There isn’t the stigma to being adopted today like there was back when I grew up. But your kids might still feel like they’re hurting your feelings by asking or feel guilty for wanting to know…make sure they know from an early age that it’s OKAY to talk about it. 🙂
We actually began telling them they were adopted when they were 18 months old. We know it’s an important building block in helping them form their identities. We’ve watched some movies (i.e. Meet the Robinsons, etc) that have adoption themes to open doors to communicate about their feelings about their adoptions. Hopefully, that’s helping.
Thanks so much for the website and book suggestions. I’m going to look into them. 🙂 And, I’m going to have to get your book!
Love this blog post…Sherrie Eldridge and I have a workbook for adoptees which has been very helpful to many adoptees throughout the world…Here is a quote from the workbook and a link to Amazonto purchase it…”There’s only one way to find peace with a painful past and that is through a personal relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ. He alone, through His Spirit, can place a healing balm on our deep wounds. The Bible says: “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!”–Jeremiah 6:14 TLB (from Under His Wings: Truths to Heal Adopted, Orphaned, and Waiting Children’s Hearts) http://ow.ly/dyTSR
Couldn’t agree more! Beautiful quote! Wish I’d had your book when I was searching! 🙂
Cathy, Sherrie Eldridge and I facilitate an on-line ALL-Adoptee Growth Group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ALL-ADOPTEE/ We are currently going through a “boot camp” as we discuss our workbook, “Under His Wings: Truths to Heal Adopted, Orphaned, and Waiting Children’s Hearts” http://ow.ly/dyTSR We welcome adoptees to join us anytime. We have wonderful testimonies from adoptees in the United Kingdom, South Africa, and throughout the United States about the positive growth they are experiencing in going through “Under His Wings” together with other adoptees.
This is one of the reasons I admire you — and like you, Cathy.
You dare to write honest.
Don’t ever stop.
It’s who you are.
Beth, it’s taken me awhile to get to this point. But, like, I said, it’s time. Pray for me. 🙂
I think it’s becoming more common for adoptive parents to realize that adoption begins with a trauma, but it wasn’t that common when my kids were babies. That made it easier for the parents to adopt, but it’s obviously much more difficult for the children. So much better to really think things out ahead of time, which means, as you point out, educating yourself.
This is such a fascinating/complicated process. I was adopted in ’65. My first recollection of really being ‘told’ was being read a book called The Chosen Baby, which I’m sure I still have kicking around here someplace. I was raised to believe, as I’m sure my parents did, that adoption was a wonderful gift to all of us. Yes, it was and it is, but – it’s just not that easy. The human brain, psyche or whatever you want to call it, is a marvelous thing – somehow we KNOW, from birth, from the moment of relinquishment, that we’re not where we are supposed to be. Even if that was a dark and horrible place that we would have suffered tremendously by staying in, we have to come to terms with that innate separation. And it is not easy. I know my peace came through my reunion with my sister and her family. I’m not sure I could have resolved all those issues had God not given me that part of my past to step into, and build a new life on.