Stories that Matter
One Adoptee's Story – LJ Jacobs
It is 14h00, Tuesday, 10 November at Universitas hospital, Bloemfontein, South Africa. My mother, Greta Dreyer, is giving birth to me. There are no flowers or family members waiting anxiously in the hallway. My mother’s family does not know that she is pregnant. She is too afraid to tell them because it is 1981 and to be pregnant and unmarried is a disgrace. My father is not there to hold my mother’s hand – he is at his vintage car dealership, continuing his daily life which is looking peachy because his divorce is almost finalised and there is a new lover on the horizon. His affair with my mother is a distant memory.
Forty eight hours later, I am sleeping with clenched fists in a strange house among strange people and my mother is at the station with one suitcase and a box filled with books on her way to her new life in Johannesburg.
After the birth of my daughter, one of the first thoughts I had was: “How can you hand over a defenceless baby to strangers?” I decided to search for her to find answers to the mystery surrounding my existence. It was surprisingly easy to locate my birth records, although it only contained her name and the name she had given me. The social worker who assisted at the time made contact with her, but she declined to speak to me. In 10 years I have received two letters and three curt e-mails from her. She has made it clear that her current husband and three children do not know that I exist and that she has no intention of telling them. My messages have gone largely unanswered. Although I know almost everything about her, including her home address (approximately 40km from where I live). By and large we are strangers to each other and that is the way she prefers it.
Growing up, I imagined that someone must have forced her to give me away and that every year on my birthday she was thinking about me and wondering what I look like. I imagined that she was searching for my face in a crowd, as I was searching for hers everywhere I went. Turns out, she could not manage to work out what year or month I was born in. She asked me when my birthday was in one of the first letters she wrote, and I was devastated.
With the help of Sherrie Eldridge’s books and online support group, I started to examine how my adoption experience has governed my life. I have blocked out the pain and feelings of rejection, but these feelings had a way of coming to the surface when I least expect it. A seemingly insignificant thing like seeing a mother with her baby at the supermarket, or my partner with his family, would bring my simmering rage to the surface. After investigating my feelings and understanding the role that anger, fear and rejection has played in my life, I could find healing and inner peace instead of trying to pretend that I am fine with the situation.
I am convinced that God revealed several insights to me during my journey, of which one is that He expects me to make a decision to forgive her, as I had been holding on to resentment and anger towards her because I felt it unfair that she is allowed to go on with her life without facing any consequences for her actions. I realised that I will never stop searching for peace if I keep on searching in all the wrong places. Corresponding with her can be compared to banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly – no response, just pain. I do not have all the answers surrounding my birth (she has refused to tell me who my father is for instance), but I believe that God will reveal this information to me one day in His way. For now, I have found healing and comfort through God’s grace and understand that His grace extends to her as well.
I was not alone and defenceless the day they handed me over to my parents, because God, my “wingman” was there and my path was already mapped out by Him. My first purpose was to bring joy to a woman who wanted desperately to have children and was given the chance to be a mother to me. My second purpose is to live the live that God has mapped out for me before I was formed. I am alive and not going to waste it.
My name is LJ Jacobs. I am a 30 year old South African woman. I have a daughter. I work as a project manager at a construction company. After studying fine arts and French language studies, I decided to follow in my father’s footsteps and follow a career in the civil engineering industry. I have three university degrees and have been admitted to a prestigious business school to commence my MBA studies in 2013. I enjoy reading and playing the violin and have a passion for all types of music. I received a black belt in karate earlier in 2012, an achievement that has been on my bucket list since school days. By the time this blog is published, I will have already gone on an elephant safari in the African bushveld (another item on my bucket list) for my birthday to celebrate the woman that I have become, not in spite of, but because of, my adoption experience.
I am so very sorry, L.J. I wish it had not turned out this way for you, but glad you are following GOD in forgiving the woman who birthed you. It sounds like you have had a loving home and parents. That is a blessing from our GOD. Sounds like you have accomplished a lot in your life so far. May GOD continue to bless you, and direct your paths. Maxie
Maxie, thank you for your comment – I tend to forget that we walk in God’s grace every day of our lives. Writing this post helped me to remember how God has blessed me in my life.
LJ, thank you so much for sharing your story with us! You have been such an encouraging member of Sherrie Eldridge’s All-Adoptee Growth Group on yahoo.com. It is such a joy to read your description of God as your “wingman” (reminds me of “Under His Wings”) and how you are experiencing HIs peace and His presence in your life, knowing that He has been there all along and He has a wonderful plan, hope, and future for your life. Many blessings as you begin your MBA in 2013!
Beth, thank you for your feedback. As facilitator of Sherrie’s group, you have played a major role in my journey and I will be forever grateful to you and the other members for your encouragement.
LJ, It is such an honor and a privilege to help Sherrie with facilitating her All-Adoptee Growth Group. I, too, found it to be such a wonderfully safe place to let feelings come to the surface that I had stuffed for way too many years. In fact, the chapter we are working through this week, “I have a unique life purpose” helped me discover how much I enjoy sharing with my fellow adoptees…here is the link to our All-Adoptee Growth Group if other adoptees are interested in joining us…we welcome you at any time! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ALL-ADOPTEE/
I’m always fascinated to learn about what makes a person the person they turn out to be. Your strength and positive outlook is sparkling encouragement. Thanks, LJ.
Elain, thank you for your feedback. I am not always strong, but I know that God is there for those moments. LJ
So beautiful. I hope you know its not uncommon for birth mom’s to not be clear on the date of birth – same happened with mine. But its still painful, and as much as we may be able to “understand”, it still hurts. Blessings to you.
Hi Jennifer, before joining the adoptee growth group I did not realise that this was not uncommon and I spent a good few years feeling utterly rejected. I guess we were both unprepared for a reunion and our correspondence caused more hurt than happiness. Blessings to you too!!
Thanks for sharing your beautiful God story. Remember, you are living God’s Plan A for you. Your birth mom’s response has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You are a beautiful daughter of God and He has great plans for you. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Sonia Meeter, adoptive mother who is living God’s Plan A
Wise words. 🙂
Sonia, thank you for your encouragement! It is true – God was there from the moment I was conceived and He knew exactly the plans He had for me.
Amazing amazing story! Thank you for sharing! I am hoping one day to have peace like you do.
Hi Rebecca, I am following your posts on the adoptee group (I hope it is the correct Rebecca). I do not respond often, but would like you to know that I am praying for you in your journey. You will get through this and arrive at the place that God has intended for you to go.
LJ, thank you so much for this! Our stories are very similar. When I first contacted my birth mother, it took about a month for her to respond to my initial letter. I’m not sure she would have responded at all, except that I had her email as well, and after a month, I emailed her to ask if she had received my letter and whether she was indeed the person I was looking for. From that point on we had a rather strange correspondence via email only. I’m still not entirely sure why she opened her door to me, only to keep me at arm’s length. After months and months, I had to practically beg for a photograph of her, and she sent me one with her head down, wearing sunglasses!! Nope, not kidding. But you know, like you, I believe we are required to forgive those who trespass against us. I found the answers I needed eventually, and even though the truth of my story was not pretty, I would rather know the truth than know nothing at all. Once I was able to connect with my half sister (my bmom’s daughter) she was actually the one who got her mother to tell everyone who my birth father was. And that was 2 years into our ‘relationship’ such as it was. I was able to find siblings on that side, (he was already passed), but I met two of them. They have since rejected me and we have no contact. Such is life. So much to deal with, so many emotions, but God is still so very good! 🙂
Cathy, Thank you for the opportunity to tell my story. I think that neither myself nor my birth mother was prepared for the emotions involved with a reunion. It is true – God is great and that is what I hold onto when the emotional issues become too much for me to handle. Regards LJ
hey LJ Jacobs…..what growth you have made on your journey and what a privilege to have trod similar path alongside of you for awhile in sherries boot camp……..behind your words and narrative I know has been a process of many ups and downs……..and it seems to me…..the greatest process is the grace and truth of who God is and who He is in your life in the past and for the present and future as you continue to become all He has created you to be……fearfully and wonderfully made….bless your dear heart…..
Shefalie